Stop And Smell The Roses

Today I came up with a great analogy for the way I view life. I was walking with my dad when we passed a bodega selling flowers. There were many types of flowers as well as an assortment of colors for each. So my dad's simple question of, "Which ones do you want?", would have been extremely difficult to answer for the old, indecisive me. But the new me had no problem with this simple decision. Actually, no problem is a little extreme, let's just say I've made progress.

Anyways, when choosing the color, I was drawn to a faded purple bouquet of roses. This was the only color that my dad didn't suggest (typical). As I grabbed the flowers, I commented, "I think the color of these roses will look really pretty when they're dead". Only after I heard those words come out of my mouth did I realize that this is a really bizarre way to think. Who chooses flowers based on what they'll look like when they die? Who looks at a beautiful bouquet of roses and thinks about death?

To a certain extent, I think we all do..

As I was putting the flowers in a vase, it occurred to me that if I didn't put them in water, they would die immediately. So I had a choice: don't put water in and immediately have my beautiful dried rose petals OR water them and keep them alive. I chose the latter. My reasoning was this: the flowers will eventually die. I will get what I want, so why not also enjoy them while they're alive, and have both.

THIS is a choice we are all faced with in our own lives. These flowers represent our childhoods. Nowadays, kids are so anxious to grow up and be adults, that they don't appreciate the beauty of their innocence. Once we kill the flowers, we can't bring them back to life. Once we lose our innocence, there's no getting it back. Flowers, as well as youth, have an ephemeral beauty. Meaning that there is an expiration date. We should enjoy the beauty of the living flowers, because once they die, there's no turning back.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about graduation, jobs and "the future". So, I think this is meaningful and relevant. You will eventually end up where you're meant to be, so why not make the best of the journey. What's the rush?

When you're old and wrinkly and gray, sitting on your couch with nothing more than your lovely bowl of potpourri, wondering where the time went (and how you became so boring)... you'll be glad to have the memories of the flower to entertain your thoughts.

Stop and smell the roses because they won't last forever.

What Is Normal?

Apparently I'm a really awkward person. I've always prided myself on my ability to not be awkward. I'm pretty sure I've even used the exact phrase "I just don't have the awkward gene". Well, I still personally don't think I'm awkward, but people seem to think otherwise.

This new realization started yesterday when I had my lunch break from my 8 hour class. It was pouring rain out as I left the school building to grab food. More than pouring. The type of rain that broke my umbrella as I trudged against the heavy wind, juggling my umbrella (which rendered useless) while attempting to keep my computer dry without dropping my cup of coffee (the most important part). 

When I arrived, soaking wet, all of my classmates were crowded around a tiny table eating. I didn't mind sitting alone at one of the many empty tables surrounding them to dry off. I had a bunch of calls to make and emails to send. The whole "sitting and eating alone" incident has happened before. In fact, I do it all the time. Apparently that's weird? I didn't think so, and still don't for that matter. After this incident, my classmates starting saying things to me, such as "too cool". This was pretty early in the semester. Since then, they've spent more time with me and have gotten to know me better.. that phrase hasn't been used since.

So I sit down at the empty table and begin dialing. Before I know it the entire table is turned around laughing at me. Not only are they laughing, but more than one of them has their cell phone out taking pictures of me. The word "loser" was shouted multiple times. So finally, after I finished my calls and such, I moved my chair over to their table (peer pressure is powerful). Here I sat outside of their circle of chairs peering over their shoulders to join in on conversation. This rendered useless so I just leaned back and didn't partake in the conversation at all. I might as well have just been sitting at a different table..

So that was my first sign that my ideas of "normal social behavior" were a little different from the people around me.

Later that night, around 7:30, a friend texted me asking if I wanted to go to dinner with him and some people. I responded that I had already eaten. So apparently it is also weird to eat before 7:30? There are so many rules on how to be normal, I can't keep up. He insisted that I could just get a drink with them and I should come. I then responded that I hadn't planned on going out. So again, apparently it's not normal for a twenty-year-old person to not want to go out on a Friday night. Long story short, I went.

Farther into the dinner conversation, as I cracked joke after joke (obviously), my other friend made a comment about how fun I am to talk to. How nice! Right? Just wait. I responded "because I am so funny?" He corrected me, "You aren't funny at all. You are just really awkward". I thought dinner had been going well. I thought I meshed well with the crowd.. but again, proven wrong.

After the whole night out, when I was thoroughly exhausted and finally going home (at 12:30), somebody texted me asking what I was doing. This is how that conversation went:

person: "I'm at a fun bar with a friend, you should meet up."
me: "I'm exhausted and going home. I'm a loser" [which I had learned earlier that day]
person: "Haha not cool"
me: "I'm sorry for misleading you into thinking I was cool."
person: "No it's ok, I was never misled"

I'm glad it's apparent to everybody just how awkward and uncool I am.  Awesome.

Photoshopped First Impressions

Facebook has completely changed the world of dating. We interact more with other people's facebook pages than we do with the actual people. Now, all that matters is how you look online. Think about it.

You're out, you're drinking, you're meeting people. The night continues, maybe you get lucky, maybe you don't. But for now, let's pretend you do. You hook up, the night is great- best night ever. The person you just got with is so hott. Next day, you wake up, look around. Shit, you're in the same clothes from last night. You were more drunk than you thought--that never happens! But wait.. you hooked up! Last night was awesome! He/she was so hott! Well, you thought she/he was. Let's check..

THIS IS THE MOMENT WHERE WHAT YOU LOOKED LIKE NO LONGER MATTERS. FROM HERE ON ALL WE REMEMBER IS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE ONLINE. All those five minutes you (guys) spent getting ready just disappeared. Girls, well we won't talk numbers but about half of your day's thoughts just became meaningless (because they had so much meaning before)..

So here is the moment of truth. Even if that person looked amazing last night, if they look gross in their pictures, which do you think you are going to remember more: the way they looked when you were borderline blackout or how they look as you soberly stalk their entire lives?

[This is the reason that so many girls have since changed it so you can't see their photos, guys too. Yeah there are lots of reasons they'll give, but let's be real. Facebook was created so people could look at other people's pictures. What, they made their photos private for jobs? BS. If they're worried about jobs, they wouldn't write/post half of the stuff they do.]

Nobody remembers how you looked in the dark lit club when they were on their seventh shot.

A drunk person will get with anything. A sober person won't text/call anyone.

But to be fair, I said Facebook changed the world of DATING, not whatever we call what people do in "college".

So let's say you have groomed your facebook profile and you look good in it. Great in it. So the next morning, after you wake up and reaffirm last night's escapades, and then after you wait a day or so for the person to get over their ego and text you, you two decide to go on a date.

(If you are in college at any campus school, this no longer applies to you. BUT it could be useful after you leave the bubble of college and have to start talking to the opposite sex soberly. Also, potentially useful regarding a second "hook up".)

Before the date, your friends want to see who you are going out with. Is he hott? Is she slutty? The usual questions.. so you go to their facebook. And now, for the second or third (girls.. 10th or 11th?) time, "stalk" their profile. By the time you get to the date, you know who they are friends with, where they're from, where they work, their likes and dislikes. What else is there to talk about?

The "first date" has completely changed thanks to Facebook. The purpose of the first date used to be to get a sense of the person, to see if they are worth seeing again. But now, with social networking, we can find out so much about a person's life beforehand. The fact that you actually want to see them in person is a huge step. The first date is now more like a third or fourth date. Maybe that is why this generation is considered so sexually active and "fast".

So here are some guidelines to increasing your chances of an actual date (or second hook up):
1. Make your profile picture some sort of cartoon character and/or baby picture so we can get a sense of you but still have no idea what you actually look like.

2. Make all of your photos hidden.

3. Take all of the time you used to spend in front of the mirror trying to look like you rolled out of bed that way and now use that tactic for your Facebook page.

[There's always the option of not thinking so much about this stuff and maybe spend more time reading the news than stalking people's Facebooks.. but what kind of loser would do that?.. But then again, what kind of person spends his/her time writing a blog post about this stuff.. ]

Little Monsters

When I was in the fourth grade, a group of girls in my class kept getting in fights with one another. Not fun physical fights, but the annoying girl kind where people cry and it gets emotional. The kind of fight where we are taught to use our words to solve it. Well, little did those teachers know what kind of monsters they were creating. Maybe this is where I was conditioned to find all dramatic people horribly annoying and unnecessary in my life. And this is definitely when I realized that words are the most powerful tool (and/or weapon). If you have an understanding of a person, saying the right thing can hurt more than getting punched in the stomach, or for the guys, a little lower down.
I vividly remember my teacher bringing five of us girls out into the hallway and explaining the best way to solve a fight. She said, always start out with a compliment. Then, tell the person what they are doing that bothers you. For example (and what I immediately thought to myself): Ms. Purdue, I think you are a cool teacher but it really fucking pisses me off when you make me miss my recess to sit in this dumb hallway to listen to crying girls.

After that ridiculous hour of talking about our feelings, I was, and rightly so, not in the best mood. It wasn't about the fact that I had to miss my recess. It was that I had to listen to girls complain and whine and cry. So, just as I sat down for lunch, one of the girls in my class came over and tapped my shoulder. She wanted to talk to me for a second. Worst combination of words in the English language. I hate having to "talk".  She pulled me to the side of the cafeteria and said, "Hannah I really like your shirt today, but it really bothers me when...". Now she continued on to say something but I most definitely didn't hear it because I was LAUGHING too hard. (I know that makes me sound mean, but this girl was actually a huge bitch. So if I was mean, it was well deserved.)

I'm not insulting Ms. Purdue's method because it really does work. Over the years I perfected that method. By the seventh grade, I was a bitch. I'm not proud of it; I'm just being honest. But, only towards my friends and family (my poor mother). How I still have a loving family and good friends is beyond me. Not exaggerating, I still apologize and thank them to this day for staying my friends.

A few weeks ago, a friend told me we needed to "talk". She told me that because we are such good friends, she feels that she can be honest with me. And she is only telling me these things because she has my best interest in mind. She proceeded to tell me that I should stop trying to be someone that I'm not. (A little background on that comment: I just transferred schools, changed my major and for the first time in forever, I am actually happy.) So I would like to thank that friend for having my best interest in mind and being honest with me. I mean, what are friends for? Right?

After that comment, I started thinking about my younger self. I mean, I invented the "I'm just trying to help you" angle. And looking back, all of the mean things I said came from some sort of jealousy or insecurity. But most of all, it came from pretension: the "I'm better than you, so therefore, I can treat you however I want" attitude. The way in which I had no regard for other people's feelings.

The thing about looking back at our younger selves is that we have such a clearer understanding. We see things in ways we wouldn't have been able to comprehend back then. The funniest part about my "pretentious" attitude is that I in no way thought I was better than anybody. I had no confidence in myself. But the best way to cover up insecurities is to seem unbreakable. For guys, they become macho and strong. For a girls, they become mean, with no emotion. Nobody messes with the bully.

So now my sister is in high school. She is dealing with girls who are way meaner than I ever was. Now don't get me wrong, I still could put anybody in his or her place (it's a talent) but I have no interest. Maybe its the Buddhist in me. But high schools are becoming more vicious than I ever remember them being. As an older sister, I used to tell her that all she had to do was survive high school. That once she gets to college, everybody matures and there isn't as much drama. Turns out I was wrong.

So, my friend did open my eyes to something. People will never stop being mean and manipulative. No matter your age, even when you are way too old for petty high school bullshit, there will be somebody trying to put you down. So rather than telling my sister to wait for it to pass. I now tell her this, all you can do in life is focus on yourself. Figure out what you want to do and go for it. There will absolutely be people who tell you that you can't do it, that you're not good enough. Don't waste your time worrying about what other people say. Be who you want to be, try as hard as you fucking can, and ignore everyone else who tries to stop you.

[I know how corny that all sounds. But I do tell her that stuff. Ask her.]

My Sight and Sound film

"witty title"

The best part about living in this city and not knowing anyone is that I can be whoever I want to be. When I introduce myself to people and tell them that I plan on writing comedies, they just assume I'm funny. So when people think you're funny, you're more likely to actually be funny. It's a weird how it works. Like if someone tells you they think you're good looking, then you'll feel good looking, have more confidence, and therefore probably look more attractive. The only difference in my case is that I AM actually funny in the first place. People just haven't realized it yet.. or until now.

The second best part about living in such a cosmopolitan city is that people are from all over. So, my accents are only improving daily. Last night I met a kid from London and I spoke in a British accent the entire time while he attempted an American accent. A word of advice: if you ever meet anyone from either London, Australia and/or South Africa, make them speak in an American accent. It is hilarious. This is how the conversation will go.

you: speak in an American accent
British person: no
you: please
British person: what do I get?
you: "funny remark"
British person: what should I say?
you: anything
British person: blah blah blah I want a hamburger blah blah

you think I'm kidding. 80% of their responses will incorporate the word hamburger. Apparently foreign people think we use that word in every other sentence. Now that I think about it, considering the plethora of fast food chains out there, I guess majority of Americans are using that word. Foreign people are so wise.

The Obligatory

To Whom It May Concern,

I am one of those people who has a new thought every other minute of every day. I'm not talking about thoughts such as "what's for dinner" or "he's hott" (because those thoughts don't go through my mind daily) but rather, thoughts about my life, people (in the abstract sense, not petty gossip or bickering), society and the world. Yes, this probably sounds similar to all other bloggers who think that what they have to say is worth hearing--which it usually isn't. But here is the difference between this blog and all of the others. I don't think what I'm writing about is worth reading.

The sole reason I am creating this blog is for myself. Throughout my day, whether via phone call, text, aim and email (maybe the occasional in person conversation if I'm lucky) I divulge my daily epiphanies, unusual observations and random stories about my life to my friends: those who care about how I'm doing, are really bored in their class and/ or disguise their lack of interest enough for me to keep filling their inboxes. I might as well start writing everything in one place rather than copying and pasting all day. I'm making it seem as though I have a lot of friends..  But I'm pretty sure it can be assumed that people who spend their days writing down their thoughts usually don't have a lot of friends. I usually advocate against 'assuming' not because of the dumb saying which I'm not going to write, but because you can never really know things about people until you get to know them. But in this case, assuming might not be such a bad idea.

This blog is a direct result of my over anxious personality and my necessity to put my thoughts on paper (or this century's equivalent). Even though I prefer a pen and paper in a heartbeat over a computer. But because my thoughts are endless and I think faster than I write, typing is essential; a mindless, easy-on-the-wrists way to keep track of my excess of thoughts and ideas.

Most blogs have a purpose: maybe it is a music blog where the blogger knows a lot about new bands and new songs. I can't think of any other type of blog that people read--probably because I don't read blogs and I find them useless. I, for the most part, don't care what other people have to say. Not that I think I'm right and everyone else is wrong (which does happen a lot) but because I have better things to do with my time. Or, that used to be my reasoning. Now that I just moved to NYC, can count my friends on one hand and find myself alone a lot of the time.. I think I may need to start reading blogs. Any suggestions? I just don't know what I'd want to read about, maybe books?, but even then, how do I know whose opinion to trust? See what I mean? Random questions and thoughts.. all day long. It is exhausting.

Anyways, my blog has no purpose. No cute little characteristic to carry through, like Julie from Julie & Julia where she blogs about cooking. But, a few things that people might find useful from what I have to say: I love language. I know that sounds strange but the idea that there are multiple words that have similar meanings and how there are multiple ways to phrase the same idea all with different connotations. So pay attention to the words I use and how I phrase things, although it could easily be accidental, it most likely isn't. I'm not going to try and sound professional but I'm warning you: a lot of the time I speak extremely formally, as though I'm in an interview or writing a professor. I'm not sure why. People make fun of me for it a lot though. But, I like everything I say to be understood. I wouldn't have written: 'So pay attention to my syntax and word choice..' because that just makes me sound pretentious and nobody actually speaks like that. So note: there is a difference and do not get confused.

Even though only a handful of my friends are actually reading this (if even that many.. ), and they already know this. I'll tell you, (the ambiguous 'you' of whoever may be stumbling upon this). I'm good at giving advice. I tend to understand people. So even though my friends (well some of them) already come to me for advice, 'you' are more than welcome to also. Just make a comment with your question and I'd gladly answer it. No, this is NOT an advice column, but, I enjoy it and I'm good at it.. so why not offer my services. Also, feel free to comment about anything and everything. Even if it is a question about nothing related to anything I've said (written?). I thrive off of random questions.

So I guess this post has been essentially an 'About Me' which I really had no intention of creating. But, to do the obligatory, because half of what I say won't make sense if you don't know these things, here it is. I am a junior transfer student at NYU. I spent the last two years of my college experience at the University of Michigan. I'll refrain from giving any of my opinions because those will most definitely come up in future posts (especially because if I have to recount to one more person why I transferred, I'll kill myself). I need to come up with a funny response to that question, like the responses Campbell Alexander, the lawyer, in My Sister's Keeper gives when people ask him why he has a service dog, "I have an iron lung. He keeps me away from magnets." Yes, of course I had to look up his name and examples of his responses (everything is on the internet.. it's crazy). But, the point is that I remembered his witty remarks and I need something like that.. if anyone has any ideas.

So yes, I'm alone in this city, left to indulge my interests and curiosities, desperate for interesting conversation. There's obviously more to me but that's all you get for now. I am not going to list my favorite color, pets I may or may not have, what I like, what I dislike, where I've worked, what I do in my free time, etc.-- because frankly, it's irrelevant. But I promise, if at any point those boring conversation starters become relevant, I'll fill you in. But, until then, you'll have to wait. Plus, suspense is the force that drives the universe. After money and sex, of course.

I'm pretty sure the title of this blog is self-explanatory. If not, just keep reading and it will be soon.

And finally, the last thing that needs to be understood before you continue reading (yes, I'm aware that was a bold assumption). Majority of what I say is sarcastic and/or satirical with a cynical undertone. I understand it is hard to detect sarcasm online, but I am sorry that will not be stopping me. If ever you're unsure, assume I'm being sarcastic. If it continues to be a problem, then this blog just isn't for you.

Have fun,
Hannah